Dear Restaurant Owner,

I have come to your restaurant to enjoy one thing: the buy one/get one coupon I found in the Savvy Shopper. I am not at your establishment to hear a live band. And I am certainly not at your establishment to hear a live band whose speakers are turned up so loud that I need to yell just to be heard by the person I'm sharing a side of fries with. Surprising as it may be, there are actually interesting people willing to dine with me; and, crazy as this sounds, I would like to engage in conversation with them. Hate to say it, but it seems your hip marketing idea is hindering that process.

Live bands do not belong in restaurants, especially bands with caterwauling singer/songwriter front men (with bad hair). If you would like for there to be live background music for your diners then please note the keyword, "background." Oxford defines background as "a position that is not prominent or conspicuous." Nowhere in that definition does the phrase, "blaring so loudly that you'd slap Mother Teresa to make it all stop" appear. Besides, when I want to listen to a band, I'll go to a club or music venue where they belong and won't interrupt my otherwise tasty and thrifty meal.

So please, if you want to run a low-rent CBGB then by all means do. But if you want to run a restaurant then a little consideration for your patron's eardrums will go a long way.

Sincerely,
Tranny Dog


Note to the band member in the back: You're about to be kicked out. You played the mini-guitar and the trumpet. I know this because I saw you, not because I heard you. If your bandmates are able to make sure no one can hear your trumpet then they must really hate you. Yikes.