Boldly Going Where Many Trannies Have Gone Before

A few years ago, Jonathan Joseph and his partner, Foxy Brown, snuck me into Dragon*Con. I had to wear someone else's badge and find an inattentive security guard. The secret is to walk a few paces behind someone with an amazingly intricate costume... or a slut in an amazingly revealing costume. It's easy to do as both are ubiquitous at the world's largest sci-fi/fantasy convention. After my display of crazy mad Mission: Impossible skillz, I met up with some of Jonathan Joseph's friends only to discover that one was wearing the exact same outfit as me. Not really what either of us were expecting since only 5 people on the planet own a shirt like ours. It was from one of Jonathan Joseph's failed experiments, running a tee shirt company. As embarrassing as our faux pas was for me, it seemed it was more so for him when he lamented that I looked better in the shirt than he did. Oh, the days of being the skinny one. Gone but not forgotten.

Our reason for getting me into The Con that night was to attend an OutWorlders party. The OutWorlders are all the gay nerds who are nerdy and gay enough to throw a gay nerd party. Those uninitiated with the world of the geek probably don't have too much of an idea of what I was walking into. You might think that it would be a bunch of pasty invertebrates who live in basements with 8 computer screens and the DVD box sets of all three Battlestar Galactica series having spirited debates about whether Luke or Han is a better lover. Well, first of all, that's not fair. Geeks come in all shades, not just pasty. You'd think in a post-Obama America we'd be past that. And second of all, no. You'd be wrong. The man checking ID's at the door of the hotel room hosting the party was wearing a Utilikilt. Common enough around Dragon*Con. But this Utilikilted individual was also performing "Kilt Checks" on all the other kilt wearers. A "Kilt Check" is similar to that testicle check thing doctors do. Only Utilikilt had no medical training and instead of turning your head and coughing, he'd ask his patients to spread their cheeks and loosen.

Inside the hotel room was a mélange of horny bears, thumping disco, awkward come-ons, and hunch punch. Among the attendees were a number of older men and the younger boys they kept on payroll. One such couple was grinding... I mean, dancing in the middle of the room dick-to-ass style. Both with ragingly obvious erections because that's how you do when you roll with the OutWorlders. Another of the kept boys ended up knowing an old boyfriend of mine so I chatted with him for a while until it became blatant that his sugar daddy was trying to sell his boy's ass. Sugar Pop wasn't doing a very good job of it, I must say. He needed to display the wares more -- like the Dancing Hard-On Twins a few feet away. I would have liked to have seen a bit more showmanship. "Hot slut here! Get yer hot slut! We've got great deals on preowned mangina. Fully inspected and certified so you can trust that it is disease-free and retightened to be like new!" Of course, I would have liked to see a more attractive product as well, so I guess I was disappointed all around.

A friend of Jonathan Joseph, Sebastian, tried to cheer me up by placing his hand on my crotch completely unsolicited and without preamble. Unfortunately, Sebastian is was would happen if an uncoordinated, all-limbs Great Dane fucked a twitchy little Yorkie and their child got into mommy's medicine cabinet. I removed his paw and sent him on his way. He was last seen making out with someone behind a curtain. Possibly Frank Morgan.

Having had enough of the OutWorlder's Orgy, Jonathan Joseph, Foxy Brown, and I stepped into the hallway to sit down and talk without the fear of semen flying at us. While out there, I caught the eye of a handsome, sturdy gentleman strolling by. He stopped to talk and I learned that he was from Alabama, comes to Dragon*Con every year, and had just purchased the leather armor he was wearing as a shirt that same day. The way Jonathan Joseph tells this next part of the story makes it sound like I'm some sort of drunken slut. Nothing could be further from the truth! All that happened was Jonathan Joseph and Foxy Brown stepped away briefly to check on Sebastian (who was still asking the Wizard for a rim job) so I took my window of opportunity to run off with Leathabama unannounced because I wanted to have sex with him as I'd been drinking. I don't see how that makes me a floozy lush. Clearly, Jonathan Joseph is just projecting his own issues onto me.

There was, however, one obstacle in bedding Leathabama: this dweeby, dumbass poodle that had met my new man earlier and clearly had similar intentions as I. He followed us all around The Con, barking and running into walls. Leathabama, being more polite than I, needed to find his friends and let them know where he was going so they didn't worry when he never returned to their hotel room. Finding them was like questing for the Holy Grail with this poodle annoying us every step of the way like the Nazi's pestered Indiana. Trailing Leathabama all over the fucking hotel got a bit ridiculous. To the point where the poodle stopped and asked me, "What are we doing here?" To which I turned to look him square in the eyes and responded, "I don't know what you're doing here but I'm having sex with him tonight." And have sex with him I did! The poodle scampered off into the night after that and I got to check "help a lover out of a medieval leather tunic" off my bucket list. Tranny Dog scores again!