Psychic Touchs "Phenomenons" [sic]

That's what Omaha's own Madame Z was advertising. It didn't take Edith and I long to go in. Madame Z was a 65 year old Filipino woman, about 4'11" with terrible teeth. Upon greeting us, she instantly unleashed her own patent brand of crazy in an accent so thick it made her pearls of wisdom rather difficult to interpret. But what we did understand was extremely educational. So without further ado, I present what we learned:

According to Madame Z...

... Edith and I have the exact same fortune. Perhaps there was a divine one/get one sale in the ether that day.

... there will be money coming in. And maybe that's true, but clearly not into our bank accounts.

... "the gay men" wrote an excellent book about "the scientific approach to astrology." You know, the science of the zodiac.

... you appear more spiritual if your house looks like the Applebee's of religion. The more varied the bric-a-brac's divinity, the better.



... it is acceptable to take calls during someone's reading. Especially when it is your son collect calling you from jail.

... those fuckin' gypsies will just rip you off. She has numerous anecdotes to backup this claim.

... she's the only legit game in town. And she'll point out the federal tax ID certificate posted above the bedroom door to prove it!

... lawyers will also just rip you off. They cost $30,000 and are completely useless compared to Madame Z's patented court spells. (Disclaimer: Only effective for 9 hours.)

... the police are really just in your way. What you need is her special spell to make you invisible to cops. It works. As evidenced by her claim that she drove past a cop doing 75 mph in the heavily traffic lighted downtown and he didn't even blink.

... her inner "psychic" guided her through both the US Citizenship test and the driver's test. I, for one, am glad that she consciously took the driver's test when she admittedly knew nothing and refused to study.

... burning smelly shit keeps the Devil out. And thank goodness for that since she's been possessed by the Dark Prince once already!

... Edith's boyfriend has already found another woman. Guess that explains why Madame Z says the relationship won't last. She seemed really against the idea of Edith's man.

... she's been married twice. The first time at the age of 13 (in the Philippines where such things are apparently legal). Both ex-husbands are now dead or dying.

... if you don't want the expense of divorcing your soon-to-be dying husband then make him divorce you. Somehow. It's cheaper.

... I'm something of a metaphorical lady-killer. Bitch, please! I haven't eaten a ham sandwich since my lesbian days in high school.

... Edith and I both have the ability to be non-metaphorical killers. That's right, kids, Edith and I can ... waaaait fooor iiit... kill with our thoughts! BAM! Uh oh. I may have killed Jon Benet.